Zombie Reflux – Chapter 1

Here is the first chapter of my novella, Zombie Reflux (Meandi Books, 2014), a satirical poke at contemporary UK society, with elements of horror. If you like it, you can buy the paperback for £3.99 from Amazon UK.

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Chapter 1
Eric sat in the waiting room of A&E, clutching his stomach. What in the hell was wrong with him?

“Mr. Von Pfeffer?” called the nurse. “The doctor will see you now.”

Eric followed her into a room and sat on the doctor’s bed. He caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. Sallow.

“Hello, you must be Mr. Von Pfeffer? How are you feeling?”

“Not good. It’s my belly. I’ve had a lot of stomach problems lately.”

The doctor produced a stethoscope. “I’m just going to listen to your abdomen, if you’ll take off your shoes and lie down. It could be gastritis. Have you been having acid reflux?”

“Not that I was aware of.” Eric slipped off his sandals and stretched out. The doctor placed the metal disc on his belly. He didn’t even feel the coldness he had expected. His body was numb, detached.

The doctor paled. He lifted the stethoscope away.

“We have a problem, Eric,” said the doctor hurriedly. He looked across to paperwork on his desk and whispered to the nurse, who lingered near the door. She looked at Eric, and he could see confusion on her face.

“What is it, doctor?” said Eric.

“Er… I’m not sure. It could be my stethoscope is broken.”

“Just tell it to me straight, please.”

“Alright then. You have no heartbeat.”

Eric stared at him. “What?”

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Why Bindweed Magazine is a labour of love

As many of you may know, in addition to writing and promoting my own fiction and poetry, I’m also the Editor-in-Chief of Bindweed Magazine, which celebrated its 1 year birthday anniversary on 3rd April this year. Bindweed Magazine is truly a labour of love; I receive no government/Arts council funding for my magazine. It’s entirely independent. I read submissions for free and with the help of my writer hubby, Joseph Robert, select poetry and fiction that we feel has literary merit to publish – online every 4 days and in a print anthology 4 times a year.

In a day and age of publishers charging writers ‘submission fees’ to enter work into competitions, or ‘reading fees’ to consider their writing, I am proud to read, select and publish writers without charging anything. I use Lulu to create the print anthologies, which costs me nothing, and set a token retail price for customers to buy copies. In the interests of full transparency, here is a summary of my costs for Bindweed’s first year:


What I paid:

Issue 1 proof copy = £6.33 

Issue 2 proof copy = £5.91

Issue 3 proof copy = £6.09

Issue 4 proof copy = £6.03


Net royalties received from sales (After deductions by Lulu and Amazon)

Issue 1 sales = £5.51

Issue 2 sales = £4.11

Issue 3 sales = £15.41

Issue 4 sales = Not yet known (current issue on sale)


Sub total: 

= 15.41 + 4.11 + 5.51 = 25.03 – 6.03 – 6.09 – 5.91 – 6.33

Net profit:

= 0.67

Time spent publishing the Ezine:

1 hour × 90 poets/ writers (including light editing, promotion on Facebook and Google+) = 90 hours.
Average 14 hours × 4 print anthologies  (including formatting work for the manuscript draft, designing the cover, uploading to Lulu) = 56 hours.


Estimated total time for publication on Ezine and print anthologies for Issues 1 to 4:

= 146 hours

So, £0.67 is how much I have earned for running Bindweed Magazine for 1 year, including a lower estimate of 146 hours of work. Why the heck do I do it then, I hear you say?!

Because I want to continue to provide a platform for writers and poets to market their work and create a product that contributors can be proud to be a part of! My glossy little A5 sized magazines certainly look a treat on a shelf and hopefully can give readers and writers a satisfaction that goes beyond the safe, boring, academically-churned-government-cauterised literary zines often spewed in the face of many austerity-starved and sadly dying Indie zines. Not Bindweed! This poverty-flower will keep creeping over the manicured-money-blooms regardless of spending cuts.

Life Inside David Cameron’s Head by Joseph Robert – The Flash Fiction Press

This flash fiction story by Joseph Robert was first published in July 2016. You can read it over at The Flash Fiction Press, where it’s still archived online.

This story is catharsis now more than ever in the aftermath of Article 50, with the £ crashing. Let’s not forget who triggered the massive mess in the first place. A slow clap for our former PM…👏


Life Inside David Cameron’s Head

Joseph Robert © 2016 

This is not a political polemic, nor an allegorical satire. No, friends, this is a true story, the like of which aren’t being written down enough these days, for you see, this is a fairy tale. That is, this is Life Inside David Cameron’s Head. So briefed, let us proceed with the public relation of the exportable narrative product. . .

One upon an election cycle, let’s call it The Year of Our Lord, two thousand and ten, there was a happy, legally married couple who lived in a council flat. They had names of course, but that’s hardly relevant here, although, if desired, the electoral rolls might be consulted, for they did possess a credit score, low but un-broken. However, what is of real import here is that they were makers and doers: a taxed native-born maker of construction equipment deliveries and an untaxed Commonwealth immigrant doer of massages, respectively. These two lived in a magical age of minority government under the pleasant-enough protection of the moderately godly, gaily green family man Prime Minister, David Cameron. He was a handsome Conservative young thing, Eton-educated, Bullingdon-baptized, Radiohead-enamored etc. And, well, the man of the council flat was rather taken with this David Cameron’s rhetoric about benefit cheats and the need for austerity and a sensible immigrant cap etc. and therefore they voted the Tory ticket, with some reservations.

Now, a few years later, something rather remarkable occurred, something that is not representative of the population as a whole and bugger-all to do with your life, mate, you see, they won a medium-sized jackpot in the Health Lottery. A measly £250 that they drank up in the local boozer with their friends in a single, surprisingly warm and dry winter’s day. How extraordinary! Nevertheless, this is no fairy tale, despite being extremely unlikely, so, perforce, something truly insane had to happen. Therefore, the very next day, the doer found a proper lottery ticket in one of her client’s pocket trousers. This gilded ticket won them literally millions of pounds in taxes to try to avoid paying. Finally! Now they we’re cooking the books with REAL small-fry nouveau riche money, on the scale of tens of millions of pounds.

With their winnings to spend, the maker and doer became subject to unhealthy whims: quitting their jobs (and thus leaving employment); travelling to fragile ecosystems for their own amusement; eating chicken livers at The Fat Duck restaurant; getting plastic surgery; entering into a consultation regarding the possibilities of undergoing private IVF fertility treatment. Oh, these were bad enough, but true decadent indulgence struck when they won laughs from their sycophants over a magnum of champagne and an ironic plate of caviar about a fevered joke that their idle riches would idly make real.

First, they bought a second townhouse, a cute and trendy, top market rate home in a mews in Notting Hill. Second, they talked to a Spanish designer and erstwhile artist, for they were going to do something truly worthwhile to celebrate their fortunate life. Third, they awaited the delivery of the sculpted fiberglass sections which had to be made in Germany and then painted in France. Fourth, they lounged on an exclusive Jamaican beach whilst Polish workmen installed the fiberglass sculpture over the front of their second London home. Fifth, they returned to live for a lark for a week inside David Cameron’s head, the erection of which they had not bothered to seek planning permission for.

The neighboring absentee landlords were aghast when their agents sent them photos of a giant, realistic-looking fiberglass bust of the Prime Minister which had so suddenly sprouted on their street, and which would certainly imperil their properties’ values. It was quite clever though, in its vulgar way; two windows served as the pupils of his eyes while the dryer’s exhaust had been rerouted to billow from his overhanding nostrils. One had to watch their step over the garden-gnome-sized teeth of the lower jar as they entered the gaping mouth to finally gain access to front door after wiping their feet on a tacky, tongue-shaped doormat. But what was so amazing was the incredible way they had captured David Cameron’s hair. That knighted hairdresser’s work was faithfully recreated over the roof of the house in three dimensions with what looked up close to be a forest of thin plastic tubing.

And so the days passed and the former maker and ex-doer responded to a phone call question of an Evening Standard reporter by affirming that ‘It’s nice and cozy here, living inside David Cameron’s head.’

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Submission call: Audio poems for Poetry Day Ireland

Poetry Day Ireland is on 27th April, which gives a few more weeks to send your submissions to Lagan Online, who are hosting the event. You can read all the submission guidelines on the above link – MP3, MP4 or WAV formats are accepted and the deadline is Monday 10th April.

So get submitting, people!

Poems published in Four X Four Magazine

Today, four of my poems are published in FourXFour Issue 19 from Poetry Northern Ireland, alongside poems from Mel McMahon, Clodagh Brennan Harvey and Nathan Thanki. The magazine publishes 4 poems by 4 poets in each issue, and work is solicited by publisher Colin Dardis – the journal isn’t generally open to submissions. 

Many thanks to Colin Dardis for the opportunity to be published alongside such great poets! 

Exciting news – writing life balance

Joseph Robert and I have been busy in the interim while I’ve been away from our author blog (even though this site is labelled as Leilanie Stewart, it’s our joint promotion platform – the other one being our Facebook author account at: http://fb.me/LeilanieStewartandJosephRobertAuthors ). On the writing side of our exciting news, we’ve been busy with a few more magazine publications lined up to appear in the next month, one of which is a joint anthology appearance – our first since our poetry was published together in Mudjob Magazine (links are here for those: Leilanie Stewart and Joseph Robert) back in 2013. Keep reading future posts for updates. On the life side of our exciting news, we’ve been busy on another joint project – more of which you’ll be hearing about soon in upcoming posts. For now, to use an English idiom, I’m keeping mum about things…

Reader reviews – Chemotherapy for the Soul

Review by Spiros Zafiris:

Chemotherapy For The Soul {38 pgs.} by Leilanie Stewart is easy to read, refreshing in its lyricism and not a mazelike production of pseudo-scholarly endeavor. One interesting subject, covered in several poems, is the experiences with a gaslighter and how hope and positivity frees the narrator from such cruelty.

 

Chemotherapy for the Soul - page 36

Chemotherapy for the Soul – page 36

 

Review by Robert Fabre:

Leilanie Stewart’s new poetry collection, Chemotherapy for the Soul, explores the connections between physical and emotional pain, and takes one on a journey into the depths of the psyche and out into the wider world.  It is a spiritual exploration, between the individual persona and his/her soulmates.

 

 

Chemotherapy for the Soul available:

 

Paperback

 

Free Ebook

 

Second poetry collection arrived in the post!

So my newly published (January 2017!) poetry collection, Chemotherapy for the Soul, arrived in the post today from Canadian Publisher, Fowlpox Press. What a lovely surprise waiting for me when I got home from my day job!

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I love the glossy black cover; it fits with the tone of the collection, which deals with post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. The full colour illustrations fit the theme too – check out ‘Chemotherapeutic waste’ picture below:

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I actually wrote these poems in 2012, and submitted them to publishers in 2013. After holding onto them for 3 years, Fowlpox gave me an acceptance in September 2016. Just goes to show that even in the slow world of publishing, patience sometimes pays off!

Moving House…another brief hiatus from writing!

Boys a dear! If ever there was a way for life to get in the way of writing plans, moving house would have to be top of the list. This past week, Joseph Robert and I have been heaving heavy loads, scrubbing, reporting repairs and unpacking. This has inevitability put both of our writing commitments on the back burner – for at least a week or so.

A new writers' pad in the making.

A new writers’ pad in the making.

 

Among many things, I can’t wait to get our library out of storage, where our beloved books have been residing in cardboard boxes for the past half a year while my hubby and I relocated from London and got ourselves organised in Belfast. Hopefully, now that we’re settled, we’ll be getting back into open mic poetry events, reading through our backlog of submissions sent for Bindweed Magazine Issue 5 and promoting our own work – keep reading for more updates on my latest poetry collection, Chemotherapy for the Soul coming soon!

Second poetry chapbook published! Chemotherapy for the Soul available from Fowlpox Press 

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I am delighted to announce the publication of my second poetry collection, Chemotherapy for the Soul, now available from Canadian publisher, Fowlpox Press. What a wonderful way to start 2017!

This collection is different from my first chapbook, A Model Archaeologist, which was often humorous in tone. Chemotherapy for the Soul deals with darker themes including mental illness, dysfunctional family relationships and depression.

Thanks to my publisher, Virgil Kay, for this fantastic opportunity to be published again and to my lovely husband, Joseph Robert, for proofing the poems before they went to print.

You can get yourself a copy as follows:

As a free PDF flipbook

paperback or hardback book from Peecho (€3.90 soft cover/ €10.70 hard cover).

Thanks, dear readers!